The Antidote to Comparing and Despairing: How Self-Compassion Can Transform Your Mental Health
Social comparison is one of the most destructive patterns that can interfere with anxiety and OCD treatment progress. This tendency to constantly measure ourselves against others creates a cycle of "comparing and despairing" that keeps us trapped in perfectionism and self-criticism. For those seeking anxiety therapy in the Bay Area or struggling with OCD and perfectionism, understanding how to break free from this pattern is essential for mental health recovery.
The Hidden Cost of Social Comparison in Anxiety and OCD
Social comparison is one of the ways in which we resist embracing and loving all parts of ourselves. A longing to be like others who we deem are better than us in some way can turn us away from owning and acknowledging all the characteristics that make up our unique self. On the other hand, the belief that we are better than others can reduce our capacity to be empathic, or can lead us to becoming condescending, or outright mean.
When we start feeling that we are less than others in some way, we tap into painful beliefs about ourselves. Maybe we are feeling like a failure, unworthy, not good enough or unlovable. These beliefs may trigger shame, which is a very painful feeling triggered by the internal belief: "I am bad." Being in this state usually deprives us from the ability to be vulnerable and to connect with others—something that's crucial for overcoming perfectionism and anxiety. The bottom line is that measuring ourselves by what others have done only distracts us from developing into the best versions of ourselves.
What is Common Humanity? A Therapeutic Approach to Self-Compassion
Common humanity, as described by researcher Kristin Neff, is an aspect of self-compassion that entails developing the awareness of our interconnectedness as a human species. This concept is particularly powerful in anxiety therapy and OCD treatment, as it directly challenges the isolation that often accompanies these conditions.
When we are suffering from anxiety, OCD, or perfectionism, we can easily get trapped into believing that we are alone in our pain. Harnessing the belief that our suffering is so idiosyncratic that no one will understand us may lead to isolation, which goes against our intrinsic human need to connect with others.
One of the wonders of our human experience is that we have singular stories that make us unique, while at the same time we share the commonality of fear, pain and loss. In anxiety and OCD treatment, this understanding of common humanity becomes a foundational tool for healing.
The Two Paths That Keep Us Stuck
When we deprive ourselves from the notion that suffering is an intricate part of our human experience, two things can happen in our anxiety and OCD recovery journey:
1. We walk around hiding our sorrows even from our closest ones, shutting ourselves off from vulnerability and human connection, or
2. We walk around believing that our suffering is worse than anybody else's, so we act as victims spewing our sorrows to the world in ways that are ineffective and push people away from us.
Both these routes deprive us from meeting our biological need to have authentic connections with other fellow humans—connections that are essential for overcoming perfectionism and maintaining mental health.
Using Common Humanity in Your Daily Life: A Practical Therapy Tool
Through the common humanity aspect of self-compassion, we can start to see suffering as a normal aspect of our human condition. This therapeutic approach allows us to experience a sense of relatedness with humanity, which can mitigate our burdens. Common humanity endorses a type of self-acceptance that is not invested in being self-indulgent or self-absorbed but rather embraces one's shared human qualities.
In the face of pain—whether from anxiety, OCD symptoms, or perfectionist tendencies—we can use the notion of common humanity to tell ourselves something along these lines:
"I acknowledge that I'm going through something challenging. I'm feeling distressed. I know that feeling this way is a normal part of being human, and many others may be feeling this way right now. This too shall pass, like everything else in life."
This response is much more soothing than letting our minds go on listing the many ways we have messed up or the many other ways in which others have it better than us—or your preferred self-berating discourse. That's a bully move, if I ever knew one.
Please keep in mind that common humanity is NOT about minimizing or handwaving our challenges and distress. A big part of growth and healing entails accepting, honoring and processing our pain. The idea is to hold ourselves tenderly while also being able to recognize that pain is a normal and natural part of the human experience. Ideally, we want to learn how to tend to our wounds lovingly and move forward while acknowledging that our pain is part of a collective experience. This helps create some healthy distance from our pain and that of others. (Stay tuned for more on this and other topics related to healthy boundaries ;))
The Healing Power of Acceptance in Anxiety and OCD Treatment
Using the notion of common humanity can lead us to a space of acceptance, rather than resistance and rejection. Tara Brach, the renowned psychologist and meditation teacher, has spoken and written about the healing power that comes with practicing acceptance—a principle widely used in Bay Area therapy practices for anxiety and OCD treatment.
Through her research and practice, she has found that facing challenges and internal turmoil with an attitude of acceptance can lead to living a more expansive and fulfilling life. Brach has explained that most of us live in a state of yearning or aversion, which leads us to be lost in thought and detached from the present moment.
By cultivating an attitude of acceptance—particularly important in anxiety treatment—we move away from the mind wandering and become fully engaged with whatever is unfolding in the present, no matter how unpleasant it is.
By bringing an open and curious attitude to our circumstances, we will be more resourced to tackle challenges without adding the unnecessary distress that comes with avoidance and resistance.
Breaking Free from Perfectionism: The Path Forward
The teachings of acceptance show us that whatever we resist will persist. For those struggling with anxiety, OCD, or perfectionism in the Bay Area and beyond, this understanding becomes a cornerstone of healing. When we stop comparing ourselves to others and start embracing our common humanity, we create space for genuine self-compassion and lasting change.
Whether you're seeking anxiety therapy, OCD treatment, or support for perfectionism, remember that your struggles are part of the shared human experience. This perspective doesn't minimize your pain—it validates it while connecting you to the healing power of our shared humanity.
If you're struggling with anxiety, OCD, or perfectionism and are looking for support in the Bay Area, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional who specializes in these areas. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and self-compassion.
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