Effective Exercise to Work with Your Inner Critic: A Self-Compassion Guide for Perfectionists
Do you find yourself trapped in a cycle of harsh self-criticism? If you're struggling with perfectionism, anxiety, or OCD, you're not alone. Constantly engaging in self-critical thoughts keeps us stuck, increases our anxiety levels, and prevents us from being present and alive in the things we care about.
The Perfectionist's Dilemma: Why Being Hard on Yourself Backfires
There's a common misconception—especially among us perfectionists—that the harder we are on ourselves, the more we'll accomplish. Many people believe that if we're nice to ourselves, we'll become lazy or complacent. This harmful belief unfortunately leads to unnecessary distress and suffering.
Research reveals the opposite is true: being kinder to ourselves actually increases our motivation to achieve our goals and our resilience to stress. This is particularly important for those dealing with anxiety, OCD, or perfectionist tendencies, where self-criticism often becomes a destructive pattern.
The Power of Personifying Your Inner Critic
One effective technique used in anxiety therapy and self-compassion work is personifying harsh thoughts. Creating a character around these thoughts can help us disentangle ourselves from them and reduce their power over us.
For example, I envisioned my critical thoughts coming from a thirteen-year-old boy who likes to pick on younger, introverted kids. He has a deep, scary voice and squinty eyes that exude hatred. His name is Sebastian. When he was younger, he was bullied by older kids, so he carries much pain from that experience. Underneath his intimidating words lies a scared little boy longing to be loved and accepted by others.
Knowing that deep down Sebastian is afraid, insecure, and in real pain helps me understand him and feel more compassion towards him. His words now have less impact because they're just the opinion of a terrified thirteen-year-old.
Step-by-Step Exercise: Rising Above Self-Defeating Thoughts
Here's a practical exercise that can help you rise above mean and self-defeating thoughts, particularly useful for those working on perfectionism and anxiety management.
Step 1: Identify Your Inner Bully
Create a character that personifies your critical, mean thoughts. Consider these questions:
Who is this person? Give them a name.
How old are they? What do they look like?
What's the reason behind them being so mean?
Perhaps it's a lonely woman who has no friends, or maybe it's an old, grumpy man who was never taught how to be kind. Maybe it's a frightened toddler trying to get attention. Add as much texture and personality to your character as you like.
Step 2: Working with Your Inner Bully
Developing self-compassion—especially if you've developed a habit of self-criticism—takes time and effort, but it can certainly be done. Here are proven techniques for becoming kinder to yourself:
Name and Greet Your Inner Bully: When I hear Sebastian say things like: "You messed up today. You said that? What an idiot! You will never succeed. You just don't learn. You make the same mistakes over and over," I stop, recognize him, and say: "Hi Sebastian."
Thank Your Bully: Remember that your inner critic gets activated to protect you from harm. Think of them as overprotective family members who are always trying to look out for you, but in their efforts become overbearing and unhelpful. After recognizing and greeting your bully, try saying: "Oh, thank you, I see you are concerned. Thanks for trying to help, but I'm going to go ahead and do my own thing."
Ignore Your Bully and Focus on What Matters: If the critical voice persists, disengage and return to the present moment. This may take continuous effort, but over time the critical thoughts will dissipate. By not feeding into them, you're sending the message that you have more important things to invest your time in.
Strengthen Your Compassionate Internal Voice: Positive self-talk might feel awkward at first—that's completely normal. After acknowledging, naming, thanking, and ignoring your inner critic, bring in another voice. This voice is gentle, loving, caring, and encouraging.
Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff has found that we can develop more self-compassion by talking to ourselves as we would to a dear friend. You might also use the image of a loving mother speaking to a baby or imagine yourself as a therapist encouraging a client. Find whatever helps you access your most compassionate voice.
Moving Forward: Self-Compassion as a Therapeutic Tool
Whether you're working on perfectionism, managing anxiety, dealing with OCD symptoms, or simply trying to be kinder to yourself, these self-compassion techniques can be powerful tools for change. If you're in the Bay Area and looking for additional support with anxiety therapy or therapy for perfectionists, remember that developing self-compassion is often a key component of successful treatment.
The journey toward self-compassion isn't always easy, especially for perfectionists who have spent years being their own harshest critic. But with practice and patience, you can learn to treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show a good friend. Your inner critic doesn't have to run the show—you have the power to choose a more compassionate way of relating to yourself.
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